Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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