I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize