I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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