put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
