Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
