She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
