Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
