Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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