Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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