my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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