If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
