how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
