I wish I could punch you in the face.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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