She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
