you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
