Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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