I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize