o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
