I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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