I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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