I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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