"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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