It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
