I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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