call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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