my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
