I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
