my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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