Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
