Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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