The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
