I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
