we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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