I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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