I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize
