My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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