I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize