Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
