I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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