I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
