I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
