Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
