I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
