when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
