so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This toilet bowl is my home.
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