where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
