I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
