my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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