I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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