The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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