This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize