apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize