How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize