Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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