She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize