I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Pappa wants mamma naked
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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