I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
