I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
