We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
