when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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