Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
