So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
