his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
