I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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