I hate your face
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
