so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
