so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
