I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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