don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
