she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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