All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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