omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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