The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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