Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
